Wrestleworld is a wrestling based dungeon crawl for od&d. I wrote and play tested this years ago back at the beginning of g+. This is the latest half finished draft. Magic items, monsters, and a few other things need to be added but is playable, I am guessing , at the moment.

What Wrestleworld is like

A series of dungeons, and fun houses devised by various wrestling bookers. Monsters that look like professional wrestlers, faces, heels, and tweeners, fill these dungeons, and arenas.

Wrestleworld is a series of dungeons and fun houses connected by a central flea market. Each dungeon is an expression of the booker who runs it. Some are filled with gruesome weapons like c4 explosives, and barbed wire spider nets, others sports entertainment, and another the imagination of a small indy promoter in Mexico. Each area is filled with the wrestling tropes that surround each style. Old ladies yelling for the last piece of pizza, low treasure payouts and washed up has beens fill the indy dungeon. Sport entertainment arenas emphasize glitz, and story lines over action and skill.

Setting is to be used as an addition to the oldest version of a certain fantasy role playing game.

Ability Scores

Roll 4 d6 in order- drop the lowest. If you roll 4d6s in a single roll you can use that 6 towards the next stat.







– Gold

Hit Points

– Add 1d8 for every level gained, plus constitution bonus.

– Prime Requisite for your sub-class is your starting AC.


-Melee weapons are only allowed in dungeons considered hardcore, extreme or death match. Weapon damage, unless otherwise stated, is one spot up the dice pool from current hit dice. For example current damage 1d4, with weapon 1d6.

– There are magic items, belts, capes, moves.


Roll a 20. Roll damage as if crit. Roll 2 die for damage.

Signature Move

Roll a 19. Add 1d3 to damage roll.


– Wrestler

Sub-classes- Prime Req

– Luchadore

Luchadores don’t wear armor. They use the number showing for their Subclass prime requisite as armor class. For example prime req 15 ac 15

Luchadores attack, with their hands, feet, submission moves at 1st level w/ 1d4. 3rd-6th 1d6, 7th-10th 1d8, and 11-14th 1d10, 15 1d12

At 6th level a luchadore may acquire a mini version of themselves. (separate then mini listed below) Treat this mini as a replica of the PC. They have 3/4 the attributes of the PC, without any of the magical abilities acquired. PCs are responsible for upkeep.

At 9th level the luchador can open a wrestling school and acquire trainees.

Within every kingdom there is only 1 15th level Luchador. At 14th level a luchador must seek out the local champion and request a best 2 out of 3 falls. If he wins the match he attains 15th level, the loser goes back 1 level.


-Rudo- Chaotic or any Evil alignment. +1 to reaction rolls with Chaotic monsters.

-Technico- Law or Lawful good/Lawful Neutral+1 to reaction with Law(ful) monsters.

– High Flyer- Dex 14.

-1st level Plancha ability- +1 to hit for diving onto opponents from a height of 6 feet+.

-3rd level Senton- +1 to hit for diving onto opponents lying prone no matter the height.

– 5th level 630 Senton- +2 to hit for diving onto opponents from a height of 6 feet+.

-Mini- CHA 12

-1st level Small- +1 AC for being so damn small it is hard to hit.

-3rd level- adorable – +1 reaction to any non combatant because they find you’re tiny version of a regular luchadore so damn adorable.

-5th level-Sneaky- +2 while sneaking from behind and delivering a called shot to the groin or any other sneak attack.

Maestro- 40 years or older. Wis 12.

-1st level- He’s been here before. +1 when checking for traps.

-3rd level- Grappling knowledge. +1 for any grappling holds.

-5th level- 1,000 ways to break a bone. +2 to hit on called grappling shots.

Extreme- Con 13

-1st level- Innovative violence- +1 damage when using improvised weapons.

-3 level- No fear of heights. You leave a loud splat- +1 for jumping from 10feet.

-5th level- Improvised weapon proficiency- +2 to hit for any improvised weapon attack.

Brawler- STR 12

-1st level- I hit you first. +1 to reaction roll.

-3rd level- Bring a knife to a chair fight.- Allowed to carry 1 improvised weapon.

-5th level- No sell.- 1x per session. Can call to ignore a hit BEFORE it is rolled on them.

American/Canadian Wrestler

Wrestlers don’t wear armor. They use their Subclass prerequisite as armor class.

Wrestlers attack, with their hands, feet, submission moves at 1st level w/ 1d4. 3rd-6th 1d6, 7th-10th 1d8, and 11-14th 1d10.

Weapons are of the improvised sort which the find in the area around a fight.

Level 6 you can get a Manager, treat as henchmen, they will rarely fight but are there to make sure all your other needs are met.

At 9th level a Wrestler can open a wrestling school and acquire trainees.

Within every kingdom there is only 1 15th level Champion. At 14th level a Wrestler must seek out the local champion and request a match of the Champion’s choosing. If he wins the match he attains 15th level, the loser goes back level 14.


Face- Law or Lawful good/Lawful Neutral +1 to reaction with Law(ful) monsters.

‘Tweener Neutral

Heel- Chaotic or any Evil alignment.+1 to reaction rolls with Chaotic monsters.

Brawler Str 10 Con 10

-1st level-Clobberin’- +1 to hit

-3rd level- Oklahoma tuff- improve ac 1 point

-5th level- Lariato – +2 to damage rolls.

High Flyer- 12 Dex

-1st level- Dropkick- +1 attack

-3rd level- Rana- Must be done from a height taller then the Opponent. +1 attack +1damage

-5th level- Flying flash- Flying attack onto a Monster. +2 attack +2 damage.

Death Match- 12 Con

– 1st level- It’s only a flesh wound- When attacked by Monsters deduct 1hp from all damage rolls.

-3rd level- Bring any weapon to the dance- Barbed wire baseball bat, 2×4 with a water bottle spiked with nails. Bring it. Make sure the DM is cool w/ it all.

-5th level- Scarring has its advantages- All those shots to the head have toughened you up. Now if you could remember where that thing was. +2 Con -2INT.

Charismatic- 14 Cha

-1st level- Taking to da pay windah. Between levels 1 and 3 you get a 5% experience bonus. You are getting pushed up the card.

-3rd level- Style and profile. +1 to all CHA checks.

-5th level- Crowd favorite- you attract one henchmen.

Technical Wis 12

-1st level- Methodical- +1 to any listen check.

-3rd level- Precise- Can reroll one time per gaming session.

-5th level- Find your flaws- Roll under intelligence find the flaw of a Monster.

Southern 12 Cha

-1st level- Kissing/punching babies. Face +1 reaction when dealing with NPCs. Heel -1 reaction when dealing with NPCs.

-3rd level- The stall. On a successful Cha roll can successful stall Monsters from attacking you for one full turn even in the middle of a fight. Can be used once per gaming session

-5th level- Fireball- 1x per day. Damage 2d6. Failure backfires, and results in a save vs. spell for the PC, hireling or henchmen nearest the player. A successful saving throw results in taking half damage of the fireball rounded down.

Submission Int 12

-1st level- isolate a body part- +1 damaged one a specific body part that will be called at the beginning of the match.

3rd level- expert counter wrestler +1 reaction roll.

-5th level- Master of submission- If attempting a grappling attack roll is successful Opponent must Save vs stone to break hold. Every round it is held roll for half damage until broken up or successful save versus roll.

Tag team attack.

Prerequisites- At the beginning of the session a tag team must come up with a tag name for a duo or trio and/or a stable name for the party as a whole. If your party decides to turn on each other the tag team, trio will be considered broken up. A stable is considered broken up when it is down to 2 members.

The Monster double teamed must have already been hits 2xs to indicate that they have been softened up. No prereqs for HP loss just hit twice.

Attack- Both individuals, or in the case of a triple team must be within touching range, unless 1 member declares a diving attack, of the monster, and declare a double, triple, quadruple team move. They also must describe the double, triple (whatever) team move being performed to amuse the DM, and also let them know where you will be standing if you botch a roll indicating who get hit by whom.

If the move is successful each PC rolls an additional 1d6.

All must pass their hit rolls in order for the attack to work. In the case of a rolled 1 the move backfires and each of the PCs involves takes 1d6 damage per rolled 1. The description of what went wrong is left up to the DMs discretion but should play along how the PCs described their double, triple team attack.


1d6 high to low roll in order each round. Exception made for botches, rolled a 1 on previous round, go last in the next round’s order.


Successful roll against thac0.

Pin or submission

When an opponent’s hit points reach 0 or below an attempt may be made on any successful attack. The n/pc being pinned or submitted must make a successful saving throw to avoid this attempt. If the save is successful they stay at whatever hp they currently have. Any negative hit points are added to the roll to make successive saving throws more difficult.


Is gained through defeating others in combat and the acquisition of gold.

Level Advancement

Experience Points

1 – 0

2 – 2000

3 – 4000

4 – 8000

5 – 16000

6 – 32000

7 – 64000

8 – 125000

9 – 250000

10 – 500000

11 -1000000

12 – 2000000

13 – 3500000

14 – 5500000

15 – 8000000

Saving throw

1-3 – 14

4-6 – 12

7-9 – 10

10-12 – 8

13-14 – 6

15 -5

The Alan of Partridge interviews: A retrospective compilation of the most brilliant chat personality to ever grace the OSR.

So a few years ago I did a series of interviews w/ PCs under my chat show Wizard Alan of Partridge. Wanted to repost them under my new blog as a single post here are the results.

-Sir Ward the daring would like to know: “Are there any agents of villainy in all the multi-verse whom he thinks are especially deserving of retribution?”

Indeed, at this very moment the nefarious and I hear incidentally very wealthy Amber family are holding our comrades Noggin, Vesper and Gustav the Belligerent out of naught but sheer boredom. My understanding is an expedition to free them will set forth on Freitag, 23rd in the year of Vorn 2012, 8 on the clock, Wessex Mean Time.

That is all for this week’s new segment Little People Big Questions.
-Abe, you ever feel like picking up the little people and throwing them around like a rag doll, being a dog and all.

I am given to understand that halflings standing behind you looking scared are less tasty than ones running toward you holding pickaxes. Something to do with the humours.

-Blixa we are in the Blue Rabbit so I do have to ask you this question, if you were a drink what would you be?

3 cp during Happy Hour and 5 cp the rest of the night.

Thank you, Blixa and Abe for showing up to What’s Hopping at the Blue Rabbit with Alan. As a gift we shall give you Blixa a red velvet doublet with the Alan of Parson crest and for you Abe a scarf emblazoned with the Alan of Parson crest.
-Any last words on the great doublet? Abe you love the scarf right because dogs love scarfs?

I’m seized with a strange urge to sit on top of my house and imagine fighting a duel with
a ruddy nobleman while drifting in the night sky.

Knowing me, Knowing boo. An interview with Noggin Three teeth starring Alan of Partridge

Hello or should I say Hell. This week we have a very special interview, I’d like to call it Knowing me, Knowing Boo with Alan of Partridge.

We happen to be in the Bleaklands, this is the place that FLAILSNAIL PCs go when they cannot even manage to stay alive. The B League of gaming. No don’t worry I am not dead,far from it. I am here to interview a rat catching Dwarf named Noggin Three Teeth.

1. Noggin why do they call you three teeth? No really don’t open your mouth when answering this question.

Noggin- Without opening my mouth? What? I got three effin’ teeth mate, why do you think they call me Threeteeth? Dwarves can count y’know… (grumbles, muttering things about heightism)

2.Noggin you happen to see my new henchman Dahlbren the Plant-Man standing next to me. What do you think about these green initiatives that are talked about by hippies? Is it all a plot to make sure none of us own really fast horses and we might have to muck about with the riff raff riding slowly here and there?

Noggin- Wouldn’t know mate, I just just chuck rocks at them druid wallies until they go away, then another one to make sure they stay away. Fast horses? Yeah, well, caltrops are a great leveller, never known a tall bastard get away from a stick up with a caltrops stuck in his horses feet. Make great stew as well. Horses, not tall bastards. They tend to make a mess when you poke a crossbow up their noses, or puke when you chuck a rotting rat carcass inside their helmet visor. Yeah stew. Can’t get any decent food in hell. They say hell is other people, but I reckon its having no gravel fer yer bread, and no horse gravy to soak up wiv it. Anyway what was yer on about again…? Who’s that green feller, not an effin orc is he? Mind if I split his head open and have a look see? Orcs have got rocks inside their heads, only way of telling with some of the cross breeds about –

3. So I here that Dwarves covet gold and jewels couldn’t you have used some of them to buy, say a pair of dentures?

Noggin- Oh I see, like that is it. You hear a lot of old bollocks about Dwarves coveting gold, and drooling over gems, and whacking tall nobby bastards with fast horses over the head with rotting rats and pinching their purses, but you don’t want to listen to all that. Propa-bloody-ganda that is! Racist shite spouted by them yooman bastids! Not a human are yer Alan? Nah didn’t think so, you look gormless enough but you breath don’t have that distinctive ‘wheaty’ smell from eating non-gravel bread. Too tall yer see, rarefied air up there, not enough oxygen getting to the brain. False teeth are a pointless vanity no proper Dwarven ascetic would stoop to buying,an effin rip off! No, granite is the only suitable material, that or tool steel, and yer have to make em yerself! I was always trying to save up for a proper course in monastic dentistry, but circumstances got in the way. Ere shall I introduce you to ‘The Way’ by knocking a few of yer teeth out? I think I got me shovel somewhere round here – no, no free of charge, it’s not like one yer crooked, decadent, spongy wheaty bread eating heretic brain dead yooman dentists now is it?

4. This question comes from Kyrinn S. Eis in our new segment Sceance. Get it Noggin? It’s like séance but we added the “c” so it looks like science. Well I am sure you are not smart enough to get that being a Dwarf and all. Perhaps if I were to give pick axe and say make me a tunnel that would make more sense right? Oh the question…. How did you come by your most excellent Plant Man henchman? I guess that is something that I should answer and I am very glad to take that question. I happen to be flying through space, if you can believe that. Like the same places I took my 18 year old girlfriend in the Hill Cantons, made her hear the concertina if you can believe that. Back to the story. We went onto this weird world and I bravely looked down at the vile beast looked like the tentacles of a dragon, if they had any and I said to it you I am your master and out of that came Dahlbren, more or less.

Noggin- Y’ know what the problem with that green feller is? He too tall and he’s too green. Elves are wankers – well not sure that’s the right word, but Dwarvish ain’t got a word for the kind of tree hugging they do, very ascetic us Dwarves, wouldn’t know venial sin if it fell out of the sky and hit us on the head – not like humans who have this term ‘felching’ I understand, never knew what that meant. Would you like to explain it to me Alan…? Crikey he’s gone purple. Oi green feller, stand over there, yer clashing with Alan, disturbs my finely tuned aesthetic sense. Not that I’m anything like one them elfy ponces, who ain’t green by the way like the dancing cucumber here. No, no the dwarven style is purely monochrome, Shades of Grey, like that book I saw mr marrow here show yer girlfriend just before the show… Wow, puce now is it, nice one Sir Alan. Can yer do turquoise?

5. Noggin all you dwarves are alcoholics, don’t mean to be mean but I call it as I see it. If you had to only have one type of booze what would it be?

Noggin- can honestly say hand on liver, that I no booze has ever touched my lips. I used a straw. I have had sip of most liquor known to man, but not that catcus jooce stuff, watcher call it? Terkeeler? The cactus mr marrow here told your girlfriend was his uncle, which was why it tasted like that, I think he said… Wow Sir Alan you can do turquoise! Any chameleons in your family?

6. Noggin now that you are dead can you tell me what the greatest thing you did when you were alive was?

Noggin- The greatest thing I did when I was alive was crossbow running to the gnomish rebels in the Underdark wars. See, these hoity toity too tall fer their own good Dark Elves were employing were rats as strike breakers during the Great Sewer Backup of 2012, y’know the one where the Sewer workers, Turdmongers and Poopsmiths struck for an extra day off for the feast day of St Haemorrhoid of Diarrhoea – any ways, short version, the Gnomes decided to go for broke and start a free peasant collective in the Temple of Lolth’s septic tank, but the lousy rotten tall bastids had these dinky little crossbows, so me and the Gnomish Solidairty Committee of the Roglaroon Vertico-Egalitarian Taskforce – Kneebiters for short (ha har) – everyone should have four foot six in height allowance and the surplus taken off their shins! Yeah, we smuggled these double-twanger arbalest-sized prodds down there, – prodd is a lead shot firing crossbow not what mr marrow does to your girlfriend – Sir Alan, you OK? You look deader than I am! Fancy a Toblerone?

7. Noggin I have heard you were a part of a scurrilous and deplorable lot that I have adventured with in Castle Nicodemus. If you could pick one song from the 1970s singer song writer genre what would it be? If you could pick one 1980s metal song to describe the Castle what would it be?

Noggin- The 70’s? Singer songwriter? Well it was bit late for that sort of thing but the Dwarven protest singer Cankly McBasalt did a little ditty called ‘Chisel up the Fundament’ about the Invincible Overlord’s so-called recruiting officers during the Lizardman Wars, ‘effin slavers more like, and only took people under five foot tall the swine… 80’s metal – I was more a punk myself, ditty I always had going through my head whenever I trogged through there was Gizzard Puke and the Vomitones, ‘Arghghle barg-harg erk-spoit hak’.

8. Why do Dwarves only attain should a low name level?

Noggin- We are humble people, happy with our gravel-bread, our multipurpose stoneworking cum rat catching cum tall bastid- disembowelling tools, and our huge stacks of gold bars; we see no need to puff ourselves up with stupid titles like ‘Wizard’, ‘Patriarch’ and ‘Superhero’, or need gaggles of henchmen with huge marrows to guard our wives and split the take with. We just settle for the uncompromising solidarity and certainty of being a ‘Dwarf’.

9. I am starting a round table Dahlbren is the first member. What would you say or do to become a part of Alan of Partridge’s Chatscalibur Roundtable starring Alan Partridge?

Noggin- What’s the money like? Look mate, I gots to work down here for my ultimate reincarnation and bloody vengance on them French swine in Castle Amber! Used to say back in the ratcatching trade that at least we’d get our rest when we was dead, but that was another piece of capitalist bullshit propaganda! Even the dead have to make a – err – living? Whatever, while sitting round and listening to mr marrow talk cobblers about how good in bed he is and giving handy tips on starting your own anarcho-syndicalist commune with nowt but a shovel and good supply of only slightly decaying rats SOUNDS like money for old rope, it had better be good money, and the old rope had better be genuine mithril dragon-belaying hawser!

10. And this is the end of our interview which we will end with a segment titled Knowing me, Knowing closure. What are the last words you want to say to those listening that are alive unlike you?
Noggin- Yes, my final words to the living on behalf of the dead is ‘Whether you like it or not, history is on our side. We will bury you!’

A most horrible interview with Scrap Princess’ PC Mo

Hello again this is Alan of Partridge with another interview and this week we have the most horrible interview ever. This time we are speaking with Maurice, a member of New Feierland the most wicked of all places in the known universes, so wicked that all women, by law, are killed on site if they are known as Dorothy. A place so awful that rainbows are outlawed by law. A place that on Halloween they play trick or trick.
1. So Maurice you don’t mind me calling you that do you I just find Mo such an informal name, I have heard you referred to as “that fuck” is this because you are a jerk or because you are promiscuous? Ronald the intern was interested. This has nothing to do with me, I assure you.

Oh right… erm . Hello Alan. This is the nicest place I’ve been to in awhile. I think..I haven’t not really been sober laterly so its nice.. not having the mud everywhere. So. The name is Mo and its not short for Maurice. Its short for something else, but yeah its long and Mo is fine. I hope you don’t mind I found this bottle of wine more or less in the green room and drunk it already. THis … one I have ,.. here. THat’s not that bottle. This is another bottle. I don’t know where it came from. But I don’t have to chew it so..thats just great really that I think I might cry. SO yeah..If you see the owner of this bottle, say hi from me and ask him if he has any more.

Oh. WHat was your question? Oh that nickname. Um.. I think it was not either of those things, and it was more from my perceived general uselessness. Elves are really judgy and horrible snobs and if you can’t dance , harp or play a bow. Shoot a harp, I mean bow, twant? Bow shoot arrow thing. Anyway they get all snitty. And passive aggressive. The elves did not call me “that fuck” though. That was.. other people that were less than impressed with .. my talents and ability to avoid needless complications and labours.

By elves I mean of course, not elves, but.. some other people that live in forests like totally idiots because who the hell wants to cross a swing bridge millions of miles up a tree when you are just a little bit absolute pissed? Anyway those people were mean and I hate them, and I’m not an elf. There was a thing with spiders. And yeah. Not an elf.

2. From the reports I have read New Feierland reminds me of Ireland or a colony. Somewhere you would not want to be with a lot of hostile natives, sneak attacks and a lack of modern weaponry. My question is why do you continue to live in such squalor?

“why why why why why would I stay in new fieirland” I paraphrase of course. because I can’t remember what you said. wait. just going to lie down for the rest of the interview.
Okay. I’m with you. Yes . New Fieierland is like a horrible village of people made from warts and things warts catch when they have poor hygiene. But its muddy. Like an oasis that’s not. Like a horrible oasis. A reverse oasis with crap beer and wart people instead of water and the desert is mud. And bandits. And horrible people. I want to leave. I do not like it here. I cry often. I can’t seem to make any money and I go out with some people who are armed and less disgusting than …Do you want to see my tattoo? I got it, it says Death to elves, its on my arm look there.. I got that.
Any way.. yes we go and then something trys to kill us and we kill it, or it only kills some of us and one of us is a magic goblin or a lizard.. We had a homosexual he was very lucky. And he died. a tree got him. Well the tree helped anyway. And then it was dogs or tree dogs or pigs. I don’t really remember but then one of the people who was rude was trying to take his ears and I killed him. And that was awful. Those birds were awful. There was a cave. with birds. and wait, what was the question?
Oh right, leaving , yes I want to leave. I .. wish I could remember how I got here so I could leave again. I’ve been thinking about going to hell. Coz I have this map or something. Actually I don’t. That’s part 1 of the plan. Get a map. Yes . Maybe less mud there.

3. Goatmen or Elfs. Which should be eradicated and why? I mean they are both awful groups but which is worse?

NO. I disagree entirely. Everyone in New Fieierland needs to stop killing each other and do something nice with the place. Like leave it. The goat people are miss understood and actually are a better class of people than the humans. And I don’t know which elves you are talking about and I don’t care because I’m.. going to talk about something else

4. This next segment is brought to you by the Blue Rabbit/Le Lapin Bleu. When you are looking for a carousing roll with your adventuring party make sure to take them to the Blue Rabbit near you. Now with 2 locations, 1 nearest you. Check out their locations in either Castle Nicodemus for that cozy d4 roll or the expansive d6 roll in Wessex. Mo what was the most interesting thing that has happened to you adventuring? Again, this segment was brought to you by the Blue Rabbit.

The most interesting thing? Oh .. don’t make me remember. Well I guess when we meet this goat man leader and he was willing to talk to us and we got something of a non-aggression pact going between the goats and people. The people don’t know it yet, they just got told not to go near the goats, because they are all horrible bigots , except homosexuals being lucky and having a honored position in every tavern. That’s nice of them. I think I love this floor Alan.

Oh and I told every one about my condition to challenge their bigotry. Before I got better.
Also that time with the trapdoor spider and the fire. That was horrible. Witch hunters. Will set you on fire at the slightest ghost thread of a slim chance.

5. I have heard rumors that a group in New Feierland watched helpless as a group of zombies ate the way through a donkeys asshole to get to your party as it helplessly cringed in a cave. Something that I would never do seeing as I have Chatscalibur that most mighty sword in the lands a steel nerves like no other. My question for you is what magical item would make you eat your way through a dying donkey?

um.. ANY magical item that could bring the donkey back afterwards, or make it never happened. Like proper never happened not with a potion of pretend it did not happened. Which is booze. That’s a sly joke there Alan. I think I’m going to hide under this chair with my friend the floor if that’s quite right with you.

6. We all know that adventuring wouldn’t last. We either get killed or settle down into another job. Not many are as lucky as I Alan of Partridge to be both a world class interviewer, and adventurer. So Mo, what do you intend on settling down as when you retire, if you don’t die? Which seems to be the case with most of these people who aren’t very skilled or talented. Not saying you will die but you realize the chance is mighty high.

I will retire as soon as somewhere that’s not as bad as new fieirland. I will do fuck all until my liver gives out and then I will karate it back in again. But yes I will maybe give lessons on the teacher of my teacher person. The Raggedy ass Tao he called it. Yeah…….yeah.

7. This next segment is titled Dressed for Success. The producers are telling me that we have not had many happy guests or readers for the segment where I give away a red velvet doublet with the Alan of Partridge logo to the guest but I bought a whole shipment of these so I should at least give them away to the guests b/c they are filling up a backroom of my house and my 18 year old girlfriend from Hills Canton is getting really mad because she wants to move things into the house and really cannot until I get rid of them. Mo, here’s a doublet. You love it right?

I do love this doublet. You are very very very very kind Alan. Thank you for this doublet. Its a lovely colour and I’m very moved.

8. You are given an assignment by the King of England. He tells you that you need a group of 4 adventurers to carry it out. Who are they? No, you don’t need to pick me even if I am asking you the question. One of them is me, right?

I would pick anyone who is well dressed and not half mud and prejudice and I would stay home unless I had to go along. Sure Alan, I would pick you, because of all the reasons.

9. If there is one world you would like to play in and have not what is that?

I will play in any world that I’m sober or drunk enough to find me way in. I don’t know how I got here or New Fieirland for that matter. I think I’m going to investigate this..bleaklands place soon, once I have draw my map.

10. The last question we give here on is an open ended one, we usually don’t not ask for you to show you gratitude, although that should be expected seeing as how I am giving you the chance to speak on the only Constancon interview show. So with that being said Maurice, is there anything you would like to say to the adoring fans of Alan of Partridge?

Help me leave Alan. Thats all I ask. And for another bottle. Or eight. And this floor. I want to marry this floor. You are lovely man with a lovely show and all fans must lovely to see how lovely you are and I truely grateful for you having me on this show and meeting your floor and yes.. thank you Alan. And the name is Mo not Maurice. That’s a war droid that I do not have any knowledge of but I’m guessing here.

Harold the Adequate has an alright interview with Alan of Partridge

This next interview is dedicated to the little people. Everyone cannot be as successful as I Alan of Partridge owner of Chatscalibur, a displacer cloak and Dahlberg the best henchman since well my wife’s divorce lawyer. So this time we will do our due diligence and talk to a pee-on. I said that right? It literally means the same thing right? I mean why would someone want to be urinated on? Is this some kind of lefto pinko thing? Do I have to interview someone that actually smells like piss? Well without further, as the French would say ah doo, Harold the Adequate.

1. Harold, the last time I saw my 18 year old girlfriend she said our “congress” was adequate if you know what I mean. So Harold what makes you adequate?

I show up. No, really, that’s pretty much it. I’m not the smartest, the fastest, or the meanest, but I’m there, and much of the time when I swing my sword at something, I hit it. As to my adequacy is other areas, well, feel free to ask my wife Beatrice. In fact, take my wife…please! I’ll swap her for your girlfriend. I’ll even throw in 100 silver pennies to sweeten the deal.

2. So Harold I have heard that your main area of exploration was Wessex. A weird place that was like England but everyone acted like the Irish. M y question for you is what is the best place to buy a drink in that area?

There’s no question at all about that. The Fairyland Annex, for ABSOLUTELY SURE. Carousing with the fairies is an experience not to be missed. Just, you know, be careful about who you wake up next to the following day, and whether you might have, uh, accidentally married them.

This next segment is called secrets of Santicores past where we cross promote books that IU may or may not get a cut of the profits from. Harold, I heard you have a thing for wells. A reader who has an unbelievably fake name, Jason Kielbasa, if you can believe that has this question. What did you most like about that submission?

I am moved to tears by the tragedy of Cabbath The Mad. I too once made drunken advances to someone I thought, in my inebriation, would make a fine bride. Hoo boy. Not smart. Take my wife…please!

4. Harold if you were to describe yourself as a drink what would it be and why?

Plain old village brown ale. Not fancy, not special, but gets the job done. Adequately.

5. This next segment, I like to call the doublet make the man. Harold, I have here for you a red doublet with the Alan of Partridge crest of the upper right side opposite of the heart. This gift makes you go from feeling like Harold the adequate to Harold the Magnificent, right? If it does not can I have the doublet back as it is not like I get those for free.

Tell you what; I’ll go adventuring in it for a while, and if it’s not working out for me, I’ll return it. It should hide bloodstains well.

6. I single handedly defeated a 30 foot frog with a bit of help from my sword, one of my better moments. Harold, I am sure you have done something decent for yourself, nothing so good but can you please tell out viewing audience what the crowning achievement has been in your adventuring career?

Well, that delve where we went to the Fairyland Annex, and then I returned and caroused and woke up married, that was pretty cool. Except for the “woke up married” part. That was the opposite of cool. When we looted the Satanic Temple and got that really valuable statue was good, and the time we killed the Spaniard was nifty. And then there was that weird adventure in Mormon Fredonia, where I got this awesome ray gun [ brandishes it] and Moar Lut, my Pack Ape [tugs on the leash, and Moar Lut pads over]. Isn’t he pretty, with his poodle cut and pink ribbons? Moar Lut, shake hands with the nice man. Goo’boy!

7. Harold, you are stuck in a dungeon afraid and alone and well…… adequate. You can name a group of 4 adventurers you have played with to rescue you from this extraordinary predicament. Who are they and why? If I am not one of them please tell me why, I am guessing I would be but really don’t hold back but if I am not please let me know why.

Oh, let’s see. Brother Caedfel, for sure. His caustic goo and his courage know no bounds, and he’ll mess up solemnization paperwork for the right donation. Noggin Three-Teeth is another good man to have at your side. You can go if you want, Alan. I’m sure you’re very brave and can soak up damage well. And the fourth spot…that’d have to go to Courtney the Hideous [ here Harold begins sobbing bitterly ]. Oh, Courtney, I’m so, so sorry.

8. Crows, annoying birds or cursed Orcs? Why should we let either live?

The Crow King is pretty scary. But you can’t kill ’em all. Your arm will get tired.

9. I have Chatscalibur the most wonderful magic item in FLAILSNAILS., without a doubt and no you cannot hold it. My question for you Harold is what was the most interesting magical item you have come across and how did you see it used?

This ray gun here is pretty neat. It…you know, makes holes in things a long way away.

10. Harold this is the part of the interview my producer mandates. If you could say anything to the those out there listening what is it?

Well, number one, learn to hold your liquor. Don’t wake up married, like I did. But then there’s another thing. This is very, very important, kids, so listen up. When you nonchalantly open a trap door for your torchbearer, LOOK TO SEE IF THERE ARE STAIRS UNDER IT before waving breezily and saying, “After you!” [ Begins crying again ] Courtney, I’m really sorry. I miss you, man.

Knowing me, Knowing Booze. An interview with Father Jack

AH HA, this is me Alan of Partridge with another chat show; Knowing me, Knowing Booze.

This next interview is with an old and decrepit man. I know what you are thinking, “Alan of Partridge, you are very kind to the elderly and should be up for an award with one of those old folks groups that always whines about how the olds should be treated with respect.” And to you I say I should be after this interview. I have never met a more miserable monster in all of my years adventuring and that includes the time I single handedly killed a 40 foot frog while the rest of my party cowered in a corner.

This next interview is with Father Jack and he needs no introductions as he is so deaf he cannot hear it anyways. I would also like to note that the sexy nurses who are attending to Father Jack are his idea. Not that I don’t mind sexy ladies but the fact they are not wearing knickers is his idea. Actually it was the only way that we could get him to do the interview.

1. Knowing me Alan of Partridge, Knowing Booze Father Jack?

Feck! Feck! Feck!

2. I have heard that many Clerics got into their profession due to personal piety and hearing the calling of their higher power. Father Jack, what made you become an adventuring Cleric? Gobshite!

This next segment we can Taking it to the Chin where an admirer of Alan of Partridge gets to ask questions of the guests. This week’s Alan admirer is Humza. He says when he grows up he wants to be a lawyer and he has three questions for Father Jack. Dahlberg, maybe we can put him on retainer. Get it? Oh you’re a plant man you know nothing of human humor. That joke would have killed at the local merchant’s guild.

3. Humza would like to ask what is the best booze you have drunk across the FLAILSNAILS universe? Gobshite

4. And the worst? Drink!

5. Where does he see the Cult of the Blood Jesus in 5 years time? What!?!?!?

Alright now that we are done with amateur time let’s get back to serious questions asked by serious chat show hosts who also happen to be the owner of Chatscalibur the most powerful sword in the known universe.

6. What was the most interesting thing you have seen in your centuries of adventuring? No!

7. The readers of these interviews always like a tender moment. Father Jack, if there is one regret in your life what would it be? Feck!

8. Ok, I see this interview is getting nowhere. You are an old crazy buffoon. Can you say anything but one word responses or are you so drunk that you do not even know what is going on? Drink!

This is the part of the interview where I present you with a gift. Instead of the usual Alan of Partridge Red Velvet Doublet with Alan of Partridge family crest I present you, Sir Drunk of drunkham with a very special gift. It is a Alan of Partridge liquor bottle cozy. Notice how the Alan of Partridge crest almost lifts itself off of the cozy. I find it a very inspirational piece.

9. What do you have to say about this awesome gift, Father Jack? No!

10. Father Jack, this is the part of the interview where you can say anything you would like. Do you have anything you would like to say to the listeners out there? No!

Knowing me, Knowing Loon with Sir Digsby Chicken Ceasar

Welcome to Knowing me, Knowing Loon. This time I am speaking with Sir Digby Chicken Caesar. A man or goblin who so happens to be named after a BBC character. I know this is shocking to see a goblin that sinks so low to actually name and tailor their character after a preexisting one. This shows the shocking state that adventurers go these days as acting as delusional fantasies that they see before they start acting out their adventuring lives.

1. Knowing me Alan of Partridge not crazy holder of Chatscalibur and chat show host AH HA, knowing you Sir Digsby Chicken Ceasar, complete nutter AH HA?

I was told there was going to be free pizza, cinnamon hasn’t eaten in a bit and as a growing grizzly bear he needs to get regular meals or he will get cranking. Oh he seems to be eating an audience member, so don’t worry about his pizza anymore.

2. So who exactly is this conspiracy that is after you keep it to 50 words?

Oh there are a few racist groups that can’t stand by and let a goblin better himself and his people, without sending a few roving bands of mercenaries and assassins after me. It’s a good thing too, have you ever seen how much a grizzly bear can eat? Feeding them is expensive. Anyway I plan to crush them under the might of my army, as soon as I get an army.

3. Digby, if I may be so bold as to call you that. You were there for the day when I, Alan of Partridge, was able to pull Chatscalibur from the great rock that sat next to the pyramid near the boat. Can you tell me how awestruck you were by my amazing powers?
Hmmm… oh I remember that. Although I wasn’t aware you got a shiny sword out of there, good for you. I do remember that I single headedly destroyed an entire void ship worth of adventures , then fucked up random monsters in the pyramid and to top it all off I achieved immortality that has been one of my life long goals. Anyway don’t mind my accomplishments, everyone needs a magic sword sooner or later, I in fact have 3.
4. Digby, who is your greatest enemy? Why do they torment you?
My greatest enemy was mortality. Being a god like goblin capable of world shattering magical feats is great an all but I am getting old, in two months I will be 6 years old. But as you know I defeated mortality like I do all who oppose me.
5. Digby why do you use such awful weapons like chain guns? You realize that wars will be won by weapons like Chatscalibur, right? Pieces of metal shot out of a tube that is all poppy cock.
I have to agree with you there Alan Gatling guns just aren’t enough for your modern day world conquer, that’s why I mounted it on a grizzly bear and used magic to make him fly.
6. This next segment is called Dressing for Success where I give a red doublet blazer with the Alan of Partridge crest to a guest. Digby if I give it to you do you promise to never wear it, please?
Wait … why does it smell like pig fat?
7. This next segment is brought to you by the Blue Rabbit/Le Lapin Bleu. When you are looking for a carousing roll with your adventuring party make sure to take them to the Blue Rabbit near you. Now with 2 locations,1 nearest you. Check out their locations in either Castle Nicodemus for that cozy d4 roll or the expansive d6 roll in Wessex. Sir Digby Chicken Caesar what was the most interesting thing that has happened to you adventuring? Again, this segment was brought to you by the Blue Rabbit.
I once killed an ancient sea serpent for a nice relaxing vacation.
8. Sir Digby Chicken Caesar I heard you once had a henchmen named Ginger. Where is he?
Oh poor ginger, he was the best familiar a goblin could ever have, but some horrible adventures killed him. That reminds me, I still have to destroy all of NEW FEIERLAND!! When I get some free time.
9. On a quiet night home what do you like to do? Before you answer that I have to say I like to read the manscipts for my next memoir and write about the great deeds that I have done. Maybe have Dahlberg give me a foot massage. You?*
I like to make lists of people, places, entire worlds and anything else I can think of that I will eventually DESTROY!! When I raise my nation of goblins. On a completely unrelated note how do you spell your name?
10. Sir Digby Chicken Caesar the last question that I usually ask is an open ended one that allows the individual to say whatever they’d like but seeing as you are a right nutter tell me what is your favorite pasta sauce?
Our cook in my old lair used to make the best elf carbonara, to this day I don’t know how she got there elven skin so tasty. Now that I mention it she made a pretty good human bolognaises, she even taught me the recipe and poor Cinnamon is looking hungry again *grins evilly at Alan of Partridge*

*Dahlberg was tragically killed since the taping of this interview.

Fisting with Sir the fist!

I am interviewing someone who is retiring from the adventuring life, who is doing so because, I have it on good sources, is afraid of getting hurt in battle. If you were to guess that he is at the least a half elf you would be right. As they say those with Elven blood have all the bravery of a Frenchmen and the hair of a 20 year old tart going out on a Friday night.

This interview is called Fisting with Sir the Fist and yes I know what that term is. My 18 year old girlfriend from the Hill Cantons told me about it. It’s something that a women does to a man when they are feeling randy. Whatever that is I am not sure but she is 18 and a vixen, so I am sure I will be up for the challenge! Let’s bring out the guest now, and get this over with.

1. Sir the fist I heard you once played a game in a British colony in the Americas. My question for you is would you rather fight the Irish or these simpletons? Are they as dumb as I imagine they would be? I heard there was an idiot over there named Henry is he that much of a simpleton?

If you’re referring to the incident with the outhouse shooting fecal matter at my fine armor, yes, that was indeed one of my worse dreams. And Henry, he was the one who was quite mad, and constantly sipping and snorting various substances, was he not? An amicable chap, whom I’ve met in other dreams.

2. I have in my hands chatscalibur the greatest weapon in all the lands, I am sorry you had to retire scared to find anything so great. What is the greatest item you have gotten hold of in your short career?

Well, you see, I fall asleep in the fair city of Greyhawk, and wake up both more powerful and sometimes with more gear than when I fell asleep. It doesn’t make much sense to me, and I blame it all on that potion marked “Wondrous” which I found while plumbing the depths of Castle Zagyg, and which has turned out to be anything but. So while you may consider your sword to be the greatest item you’ve found, I consider that potion to be both the greatest item, as well as the greatest curse. I haven’t gotten a decent night’s sleep in months.

3. My researchers have told me you are so lazy as to work in 3 fields instead of perfecting one. What is the one thing you have done in this idle work that had made you most proud?

I was perhaps most proud when I heard in a dream that there was another adventurer of stout heart, a man named Vesper, imprisoned in a place called Amber. I sent out dream messages to all others who were so cursed as myself to wander from place to place in our dreams at a flailsnails pace, and we formed a group of rescuers, whom I refer to as the “Dream Team,” to go rescue this Vesper and his companions. Vesper and I have a strange connection, almost as if we are part of the same being, I cannot quite place my finger upon it though.

4. This next section is called “Knowing me a productive member of society, you knowing you someone sucking off the teet of good will.” Here Sir the fist I Alan of Partridge gives you a gold wrist watch that has a +1 CON. May it serve you well while you don’t do anything but work in your magic shop and talk about war stories. Tell me how much you love this?

It is indeed a fine gift. One I shall cherish greatly, while I work in my gift shop. You wouldn’t be offended if I cast detect curse first, do you? Hazards of the job and all, you know.

5. War stories, all you old men have them. Tell me one?

Well, I heard one that didn’t make much sense to me. Something about light swords, big ships made out of metal the size of worlds that shot beams of light and destroyed other worlds, and a brother kissing his sister. It was truly a trashy story, probably told to me by Henry while under the “effects,” if you know what I mean. Henry started telling it to me in the middle, then told me how it ended, then jumped back in time to tell the beginning of it. Truly the worst storyteller ever. And a terrible story all around, no matter what order you tell it in. Hopefully there will be no more stories made like that one ever again.

6. This next section is called questions from the little people. It’s where little people w/out shows can ask questions.

These questions come from Humza who has asked questions in multiple shows and don’t worry Sir the Fist. While you may guess this I can safely say he is not a terrorist as he has not bombed our studio, yet. He has three questions

What’s your greatest missed score?

A man of honor does not keep score, neither of the foes he has killed, nor of the booty taken.

Any regrets? Paths not taken? Foes not shanked?

Well, there was this little frogman on board the ship I am retiring to…but we are forming a partnership of sorts now. I just hated having to run from him. So now I employ him. Wait until I make him clean the toilets. Sweet revenge, especially after I have that Gnome Monk’s special bean casserole.

What would it take for Sir the Fist to come out of retirement?

Well, I already was called out, once. My dreams spoke to me, and told me that Amber was on its last legs. So there I went. What else would take me out? Nothing short of guaranteed easy booty, of both sorts

A colonist from a place we sent our criminals who calls himself Reece Carter, a likely fake name asks..

What do you plan on doing with yourself now?

When I hear that name I think of presidential peanut butter for some reason. I am setting up that bane of all gods of all campaigns everywhere, a magic item store. Anyone else who is plagued by similar dreams and jumps around at night from place to place at a flailsnail’s pace is welcome to sell me items, or to purchase items from me. I am working on a form of ethereal messaging system, which I call e-mail for short, to let me know what people might have to sell, and where we can meet up to do the deal.

Thanks for the warning about Reece though, seems a shady character.

Who/what is the weirdest person/place you met/went to?

Well, the spitting shitter, I mentioned above, is about the most awful place I’ve been to.

I apologize for such lazy questions but I was told we had to have that section.

7. If you were any cut of meat what would it be?

Being a half elf, sadly I’m a vegetarian and cannot answer that question with any authority on the subject matter

8. Sir the Fist I once heard you were caught prisoner in Castle Amber is it true about what the rumors said you did when that happened?

I rescued a prisoner, good sir. Is my reputation being sullied already!?!?

9. Now Sir the fist I have heard you were mist meditative sort of warrior. If you could wrap up your fighting career in a haiku what would it be?

Uh, Roses are red, violets are blue, I suck at poetry, and never heard of Haiku.

10. Sir the fist this is the last question and management wants me to let you say whatever you want. What is it?

We have 10% of the manufacturer’s suggested retail price on all wands on Wednesdays at “Sir the Fist and Froggy’s Magic Store Galore.”

Ba Humbug 2 interviews with Ba Chim

BAH Humbug, Ba Chim. Our holiday mandated interview. You may notice the Xmas wreaths and trees and such. My very sexy HC girlfriend did the decorating. So put on your favorite yule sweaters and get some egg nog. We’re having ourselves a Merry good Interview.

1. Mr Chim, I know you are from the Hill Cantons. I understand that there is a meter maid monster named Rita, how would you defeat her?

A meteor-made monster named Rita? That sounds fraught. Nothing good comes out of meteors. Research first to discover her tactics. Scout her lair, then engage at a distance, preferably with spears.

2. I had the unfortunate I mean opportunity to interview Father Jack. Jesus, you he’s right?

Father Jack? A good friend, but I do not worship the Blood Jesus. Although some of the maenad-nuns in the cult would be rather attractive, if they ever washed.

3. By your name I am guessing you are not European. What magic item have you gotten to make up the amount I have spent for you as a famous interviewer towards the welfare state?

European? Indeed not! It is a well known fact that I hail from New Hampshire. And as for magic items, I do not possess any. While I occasionally hold custody of the Resplendent Cincture of Lammaus the Arch-Pulpitarian of Youndeh, the item is group property of the Nefarious Nine. Sort of a collective type of thing, really.

4. Longtime fan Humza made sure to have you answer this question for me. Why do you think Alan is the greatest Magic User in all known worlds?

The creation of a pocket plane for the sole purpose of interesting interview segments is surely amongst the greatest feats of magic known in the multiverse! The question beggars belief.

5. In your world Ba Chim how do you celebrate the coming of our lord? Also do your priests also use maces to bash the heads in of non-believers?

The coming of the Owl Lord is a solemn process marked by the ceremonial presentation of neatly roasted Rodents of Unusual Size, along with an ornate ewer crafted out of 2,000 copper pieces. The priests sometimes use maces, but are also perfectly happy to use bladed weapons as well.

6. It has come to my attention that Chatscalibur could have killed you multiple times. How have you stayed alive so long and remained so puny?

Luck and death ride a landsknecht’s shoulders. Make friends with one, because the other is always waiting.

7. It’s time for Alan’s present exchange. For you Ba Chim, I have an autographed photo of myself. It retails at 2 sun. What do you have for me as a gift?

A gift? Well, Alan, I’d like to present you with this pamphlet from the Chaos Party. Have you considered the virtues of Chaos?

8. I once announced the retirement of Sir the Fist. What was the most important announcement you have given to your small time group. What info did you have before they. I mean it is not as important as that retirement announcement but let me know what you have heard that was kind of important to your small time group?

The last major announcement I gave was that I was withdrawing from adventuring for two months, journeying near my homeland to participate in the Vietnamese New Hampshirian ritual known as the Enn Vy Bar.

9. Why is Taurus such a pompous ass. I mean really a clown does he not realize he is something from a kid’s show?

Taurus Hell’s-heart is many things, Alan – a vagabond, an acrobat, a hewer of foes, and a dab hand with the concertina – but he is never pompous. Terrifying, regularly.

10. This is the part where I am mandated to say have a festive holiday time and to you and yours also what do you have to say to the people out there?Collapse this post

Live weird or die!

This next interview is called knowing me, Knowing Nefarious. Where I Alan of Partridge asks members of the Nefarious Nine the same questions and sees where their loyalties lay or lie, if you will.

This first section is called Mother Lovers, question from you mother, where you are asked questions by your mother.

1. Your Mother asks, “what’s wrong with you?”

Considering that my mother is dead, I think it a rather impertinent question for her to be asking. Mother! Return to your grave at once!

2. Why can’t you find a nice Silent God-worshiping girl and settle down and raise a family? Colonel?

Settling down? I am a landsknecht! My very profession demands that I roam about, seeking conflict and chaos. Settling down would mean that I would be passing up valuable job opportunities. Besides, there will be plenty of time for that in two or three hundred years.

3. She also asks a side question to Ba Chim about intimacy issues. Something about how he used to have a certain blanky? Colonel, what is this about the active malice of your brothers-in-grift.? If this question does not involve you what do you have to say about those two?

This next section is called We are contractually obligated to make sure that this guest can ask na question so here it is.

I have no intimacy issues! There is an understandable grief and loss at a close associate who was slain far too young, and quite simply no other lady I have met yet has shown her energy and zest for life. No intimacy issues at all. None. None whatsoever.

4. Father Jack’s question is “drink? arse? girls?”

Ah, Father Jack! A staunch friend, even if his “Blood Jesus” worship is particularly unusual within the Cantons. To answer his questions: Yes, depends on the arse, yes.

This next segment is called Kickstarting the conversation. Anyone wishing to have their project advertised here next interview let me know.

5. Adventure, Conqueror, Domain. What is your favorite thing you have done in these areas?

Most certainly the Empty Coup and the 14th Decimation of the Aliens, where we led a detachment of the Marlankh Reavers to destroy the guns of the Turko-Fey, marking the first break in a several century-long siege. Prior to this, our highest achievement was the Cantons-Brazonian War, where our opponents capitulated the field of battle entirely – but it didn’t have quite the same dash.

6. Who is the most harrowing monster or foe you have faced?

I don’t mean to barge in but I think we need to take this down a notch. Every adventure sees their low points. Some fly away, others are magical items taken by party members who do not deserve them because they are not highly intelligent magic users who happen to have the best sword in the entire known universe.

There have been several foes of uncouth demeanor and reprehensible manner who the Nefarious Nine have struggled against –

an assassin out for our blood, formless spawn, giants controlled by foul magics…let’s not get into the termite queen bag lady. But our most harrowing foes are clearly the Eld. Vicious mockeries of elves from the Anti-Cantons, they seek to turn the Hill Cantons into a land of strict control, where the only options for rogues and adventurers will be rigidly structured Paths, leading from strictly defined point to point with no freedom! A most horrid foe indeed, and recipients of our eternal enmity

7. Can you tell me what it felt like to lose that barge at the last moment that you obviously did not deserve to have, even though you thought you would have it? Di you feel like the belle of the ball while that happened and after like the ugly girl no one would ask to a dance? Did you feel like ending it all, if so let us know why as I think this would really help the interview gets more hits, so please expand on this if you would.

The loss of the barge, aha, yes. The loss of the barge was a setback, but know this – nobody out-weirds the Nefarious Nine. That barge will be ours. And while I have known deep despair both on that barge and in its absence, the only things I have wanted to end entirely were its Eldish masters.

8. Now that we have taken to your lows let’s take you to you heights. What is the most impressive thing you have done? I know that you have not had anything as impressive as having Chatscalibur but what was something good you have had happen to you?

This next segment I give my guests a gift that I know they will greatly appreciate. I like to call it Thank you, No thank Me.

The most impressive thing that I have done? I have survived, despite starting out with what some scholars might quantify as ‘two hit points.’ I stand before you, battered, scarred, but my foes are dead, while I am alive and making merry. What is this but success in its purest form?

9. In appreciation for your involvement on Constancon’s #1 chat show I like to give my guests a gift. This week I am giving out an amulet with on one side the Alan of Partridge family crest and the other side a picture of my 18 year old girlfriend’s face. I have been told it is good for one night’s rest and comfort in the Hill Cantons. I am assure that it is due that it is due to the ruggedness of the Alan of Partridge crest and has nothing to do with my sexy girlfriend. How do you feel about this awesome gift? Cut a commercial on a local Inn if you would like to.

If this amulet will serve for a night at the Hostel of Ulthnarn of the Hanging Blade, then I count it a worthy gift. After the Empty Coup, the Nine were showered in free drinks there! If I go now, there probably won’t be any free drinks by this time, but at least we won’t be doused in them. Do you have any idea how much it costs to properly launder a Landsknecht outfit in Kezmarok?

This last segment is when I let the little people, the guests, say whatever they would like. I realize that they will never realize the height of popularity that I Alan of Partridge will reach. So this is my way of giving back to the little people.

10. What would you like to say to the people, little one?

All adventurers (perhaps bar Doctor Lazzaro) know that there’s a time for caution, and a time for wild abandon. But the real trick is figuring out when the clock ticks over from one to the other. Learn that, and you’ll do well. Fail, and you’ll be food for the worms.”

Sir Ward interview with Alan of Partridge
Ward against evil?

I’d like to think so. “Ward against ignorance” may be more apropos.

How does it feel to be a failure? I mean unlike me the most successful chat host ever in FLAILSNAILS you cannot even be a good to shoes……Sorry my producer is saying you want to be a paladin and they say that is a good thing…, Why?

Being a paladin is good in the same way any productive vocation is – you contribute to society and in some cases, humanity in a way that hopefully benefits it as a whole. Just as a farmer can feed his neighbors and a physician can heal the sick, a good knight can act as a sword and shield for people who otherwise would have neither. I suppose part of my dedication to this task is due to my upbringing, but I think we all have at least some desire to help our fellow sentients.

This next session is questions from the plebs sponsored by the Blue Rabbit a place to get drunk and forget about your cares…Which brings us to fan mail…

The 1st question is from the insane Dwarf named Dwarf


I am still honestly sorry about all that. Even though I’ve paid for the Blue Rabbit to be rebuilt, I know it does nothing assuage the mental anguish you must of felt over the whole thing.

If you do have an army, I may need your help someday; so I hope we can remain on good terms.

A man who really likes gnomes asks…

What’s the craziest thing you have taken part of?

I’ve been involved in any number of irrational things, but once in Sigil my friends and I traveled in a structure modeled after the human mind, or at least one man’s interpretation of it. I’ve never seen anything like it since.

Wait no, there was also that time in Kalak-Nur that we employed a dance to waylay some frost giants. I mean, it was all of us at once, putting on a dance number. That was a sight.

If you had the chance to do something again, what is it and why?

I visited the celestial realms to help a troupe of singing mice find a home and I was able to speak with some of the inhabitants there. They had a sort of thoughtful benevolence that I aspire to, and I’d very much like to speak with them more on that.

Do you regret any of the decisions that you have made whilst adventuring?

Yes, many of them. I worry about the day I cease regretting these things though, because that would be the day I stop trying to be better than I am.

How come you and Prince Blossom have never been seen together at the same time??

I imagine its the same reason I’ve never been to Barovania.

A man w/ a shitty gladiatorial name asks..

What’s it like to be frozen alive??

It is the least pleasant thing I’ve experienced, even counting the several times I’ve nearly died. Imagine being fully aware but unable to act at all. The company didn’t help either.

A man from the state of New Hampshire asks.. I am sure he asked this a year ago but that damn states refuses a postal service…

The life of a knight is not an easy one; there’s a tough moral code attached to it. What’s been the thing that’s brought you closest to breaking that code, and how did you resist??

Honestly, most dramatic events have actually bolstered my resolve. If anything has tempted me to abandon the code, its the raw stupidity of many of my fellow adventurers. Put bluntly, they are often more stupid than brave. Occasionally I’ll want to stand and watch as they kill themselves with their own foolishness. But a knight doesn’t abandon anyone if they can help it, so I don’t.

Conversely, I’ve had some good friends do rather questionable things. Its tempting to turn the other way, but that may not be the right thing to do.

Sun glass rider asks

Do you weep each night for the 3000 innocents you killed??

I mourn and I repent – but tears will not bring them back nor undue my mistake. So I do not spend much time weeping.

Alan asks…. Did you mean to kill them or you an idiot? I mean only an idiot would accidentally kill that many people….

It was foolishness on my part, not intent. Something has brought them all back though – and I intend to fix what I have done by winning back their home for them or die trying.

I’ll need help with that. The first part, preferably not the last bit.

Keep this answer under the age of 18 admittance b/c the kid that asks it needs to go to bed soon b/c he’s 16 ……

What’s it like adventuring with horrible people, and do you ever feel you should do more to protect other people from them? ?

While I’ve yet travel with anyone abjectly horrible, there have been plenty of those whose only guides were avarice and bloodlust. Among those, I usually try to steer our expedition away from any civilised place and instead stick to dungeons and occasionally the harsh wilderness.

One thing I’ve found is there isn’t a lot of people who are evil for the sake of it. For them, it is just that the means matter much less than the end result. Just as virtues can be corrupted, vices can be used for the greater good – wrathful and greedy adventurers can be directed towards foul monsters to slay (for the sake of their hordes) the prideful or vainglorious can be convinced to do heroic things for the sake of their egos. The trick is not to preach, it is to make Good more appealing.

Of course, I will always feel I can do more. That is our natural state as human beings

Man Rider asks..

Man Rider objects to the above question.

He is not people.?

I suppose not in the literal sense, no.

Alan- No homo but how much would it take for you to have Man Rider “ride” you?

A man w/ his broken spine asks

I think we forget that for all his posturing, Man-Rider actually legitimately needs assistance. There is no shame in helping him.

Who what is your god? How did you come to serve him, and why do you serve him??

Gorgathon, the Eye of Fire and lord of knowledge is my patron. The sun-sword I carry now is a relic of his, and it is also how I came to meet him. Through it, I swore allegiance to his cause and gained the power I needed to assist my friends at the last moment-

-well, that’s maybe dramatizing it a bit. I disabled a giant evil bug’s floating apparatus, and the others did the rest. Regardless, it was appreciated.
I continue to serve him because in the end I feel that the spread of knowledge is the one greatest weapon we have against evil. Wickedness in humans is born often born of fear and a lack of understanding, and that is my truest foe.

Also, he asks where you can get a spine…?

I’d check Sigil – they literally have everything there.

Mocaka asks for you to obey to the questions….

Do you plan to embark on a deeper study of the worship of Gorgathon, the Eye of Fire, and carry out His works, or are you some sort of Paladin-opportunist with an expiration date on the tin??

I will be the first to admit that I’ve never been terribly with conventional faith. It is difficult for me to simply trust in a cause enough to follow it without some sort of greater understanding. (Odd for a Paladin, I know. But I don’t think it should be.)

Gorgathon does not preach of far off heavens or eliminating a particular foe. What he asks of us is to seek, defend, and disseminate knowledge. As mentioned before, I wholeheartedly embrace this cause and want to do whatever I can to further it.

However, I am a man of unextraordinary talent – I feel that as a knight of Gorgathon I can do much more than I could before and I truly hope he continues to see the merit in keeping me in his ranks.

A kid who had his PC out and have his underwear fall off when he lost his connection once asks how do you live with all the blood on your hands??

The knowledge that I can do more good alive then with my death keeps me moving forward.

Friend of the show and NOT terrorist Humza asks

What exactly is your relationship with that blood elf witch who lives in the wilderness outside the tunnels of Kalak-Nur? Just how often do you drink the blood of children with her??

What? I actually don’t know her terribly well.

As for the blood of children, I’ve never sampled it to my knowledge. You can never be sure once you’ve been to New Feierland, though.

Prince of Ponce and deliverer of dalliance Manning asks..

Do you think your life has improved since those simple days of jousting and pleasantry? Do you think if either of us had won but a single tilt we might not find ourselves in consistently more dire circumstances? ?

Odd as it seems, I feel my life has improved. Certainly, had I been a successful jouster I probably would have remained in blessed Normandie, perhaps married into power and done some good there. But I don’t think I’m suited for it.

Ha, imagine Manning, we could have grown old and soft – reminiscing about “good old days”! No, no, its just not for me. I’ll take things as they are, as weary as I am.

I am sorry Ward for such a bad interview.

Well, I thought it was alright.

You want to be a Paladin. You are boring. Sorry you should be boring.


All you do is fuck up. It’s like interviewing a condom that refuses to not break.

That last bit is a compliment to my tenacity, at least.

I heard you get a shotgun for meta game purposes. Every time you let someone die w/ that game do you realize how you have let the world down? Sorry just asking being you are a want to be paladin and all?

Yes, I know. That gun has seen me through a lot though – I would have been dead long ago without it by my side.

Normally this is the section I give away a velvet velour Allen crested blazer jacket. In your case I will give you a device that lets you call on the god on announcers. If that becomes your chosen god it will give you a +1 CHA but you must post an in depth interview to the god Ophrus every session you play at 500 words per level. You up to that challenge?

I appreciate the item, but I believe the only god I’ll be serving is Gorgathon. Do you think Ophrus would like an interview with him though? I am certain it would make for good publicity.

I spoke w/ one of the most heroic warriors ever, Gustav, he described you as a jerk wrapped in a nancy, wrapped in a boy scout wrapped in a decent die roll, wrapped in a bad drinking friend wrapped in a non-American?

I will acknowledge Gustav’s prowess as a warrior, but I think he needs to work a bit when it comes to analogies.

If the world were perfect I would have hordes of mute eastern European concierge women, what would be you ideal world?

My ideal world would be one where we could all agree to at least try and understand one another.

It’s been about a year. What has been you and your other’s most applicable wedding present game thing you were given? It’s alright if you speak for her we all know how irrational women are…

Its a hard choice for me. Many of the items have saved me at one point, but I believe my home in Vértique is the one that has influenced my actions the most. It has given me a place of (relative) stability, a meeting place for my compatriots, and has served as a source of multiple ventures at this point.

I’m not sure which “other” you speak of, but a young lady named Elsa has been utilizing a shot gun very much like mine to much deadlier efficiency, so perhaps your answer lies there.